I got my first Mother’s Day cards last Wednesday night from Tim’s girls.

They were working very hard on something in the kitchen and when I went in there they hid it from me. I had no idea what was going on and pretended not to care. I went and sat down for a quiet moment in the living room. Tim came and sat next to me and even though it was bedtime, he said that he wanted to let them finish what they were working on. A few minutes later they came out and both said, “Happy Mother’s Day, Alex!” and handed me their cards. They were very sweet, obviously they had put a lot of effort into making them. I gave them hugs and admired their work.

It turns out that it was Tim’s idea. He suggested it to them by saying, “I know she’s not your mom, but she does a lot of things that mommies do.” They apparently liked the idea and happily made me cards.

I, on the other hand, felt uncomfortable with the whole concept. I don’t think of myself as their mother or even really a mom-like figure.  We have a different relationship. I think of myself as a caring adult in their lives. I’m a guide and a friend. And I am really deliberate about not trying to be a mom to them. They already have a mom and I will never be her, nor do I want to be. So I was completely surprised to be acknowledged on Mother’s Day because I don’t think of myself that way at all. I guess as I continue to move forward with the relationship with all of them, it is something I will step into more and more, but right now I don’t really see myself ever wanting to change. I really like how things are now.

I still feel a little awkward about being acknowledged on Mother’s Day but what I realize is that it is the label that I am having trouble with. The intention behind it all is that they (Tim and the girls) appreciate me for everything that I do. They love that I am here in their lives. Tim told me the other day that his youngest daughter thinks I am the cat’s pajamas! That is pretty awesome, what more could I ask for?

Well, it’s great if they are appreciating me, but I can’t really let it in if I’m not appreciating myself which is why I think I felt so uncomfortable. It reminds me  to appreciate myself and acknowledge the impact I am making in these girls lives.   It is true that I do a lot of the things that mommies do. I love them, I hug and kiss them, I listen to them, I tuck them in at night and read them stories, I cook for them, I clean up after them, I help them, I comfort them, I play with them. I am  another feminine role model in their lives, which is really good for them, being girls, when they come over to their dad’s house. Even if no one was to notice me on Mother’s Day, I notice that about myself.

To all of you mothers and non-mothers out there, whether you are being acknowledged by a child or not, I hope that you can acknowledge yourselves for all that you do and how amazing you are!

Happy Mother’s Day is a post from: Dating a Dad

I met someone recently who is dating a dad. She is doing things very differently than I am. At first, I was thinking all kinds of thoughts about how she shouldn’t be doing the things that she’s doing and I KNOW because I have read all these books. I have this blog and I have talked to people and I’m just sure of it…

It’s hard to let go because I think I know what she should be doing. I thankfully know how to keep my mouth shut and am wholeheartedly committed against giving unsolicited advice. There are many reasons for this, mainly though, because no one likes to be told what to do and it’s not a great way to build relationships.

But who am I to say I know what’s right for her? When I can get beyond my judgmental thoughts, which are really concern for her well being, I can see the truth.  Just because I have read some books and she’s doing the opposite of what they suggest, no one truly knows what is going to happen. When I let go of my judgements of her, I am free and I know it is none of my business.

My point here is that just because I have done something or a certain thing has worked for me, it doesn’t mean that it’s going to be right for her too. Ultimately, it is up to her to make her own decisions. I’m no expert in anyone else’s life, no matter how many books I’ve read. It’s up to her to follow her heart and do what’s right for her and her relationships. I trust that she will do what’s best and will get what she needs or learn what she need to know. Because what’s right for me, may not be right for her. Or for you.

What’s Right for Me… is a post from: Dating a Dad

Something that has always frustrated me about being in this relationship is the geographical back and forth. Part of the “package deal” of being in a relationship with a man with kids, is that we end up spending the majority of our time together at his house. I live about 15 miles north of  Tim which is 20 minutes when there is no traffic. When there is traffic, it can take up to 45 minutes. It is no small thing to just “run home”.

Before I met the kids, it wasn’t so bad. Tim would come to my apartment just about as often as I would go to his house. We did end up spending more time at his place because he has a big house with a big TV, a cat, washing machine etc. But he did come to my place a fair amount. On the days he had his kids, I wasn’t supposed to be at his house so I’d spend those days at home. I am one to always have tons of projects going at my home so I would always welcome the time alone to work on them.

Once I met the kids and started spending a lot more time with the three of them, it became more of a burden on me because I was always going back and forth. I wasn’t spending the night there yet, but often times I would spend the majority of a weekend at their house.  I’d show up on Saturday morning or early afternoon and then leave and go home that evening. And then drive back over on Sunday morning. I’d spend Sunday night there since the kids would go to their mom’s house at 5 pm on Sunday.

Last October, I started spending the night when the kids were there on the weekends. This considerably cut down on the amount of time I spent driving back and forth which I have appreciated. I stayed with them on the weekends and then I went to my house Monday through Wednesday. Thursday has always been our date night because it has always been the one day that he never has the kids so I would usually end up at his house. The last few months I’ve started spending even more time at the house and I’ve increasingly relaxed into being in only one place most of the time.

The bottom line is that it’s often frustrating and is not the ideal situation. But I realized early on that this is one of those things that I have to accept if I want to be in this relationship. And I do. I think the important thing to remember in all of this is not to give up too much. If I’m giving up an equal balance of time spent at my house and his house, am I receiving other benefits from being in this relationship? Do I feel satisfied the majority of the time? Am I having fun? I have a tendency towards self-sacrifice, but I usually know before too long that something is out of balance. Making sure my other needs are being met is important. Then it’s easy to make adjustments and requests which I do on a regular basis!

My House or Your House? is a post from: Dating a Dad

About a month after I started spending time with Tim and his kids, his youngest daughter said to him, “Daddy, you should ask Alex to be your girlfriend.”

“She is my girlfriend,” he replied.

“She is?!” She was delighted.

I’ve had a pretty easy time getting in on the good side with the girls. For one thing, it helps that I am a girl too because they are very into being girls and connect with me in that way. I also love children and have spent a lot of time with young children in my life as a teacher, babysitter and a camp counselor. This makes me really good at talking to kids and connecting with them.

Even with all of my experience, I was petrified that they wouldn’t like me. I read somewhere that all you really need to do is take an interest in them, get down on their level, figuratively and literally, and they will take it from there. And I have found that it really works. I have become buddies with them. As I’ve shown up for them consistently over time, they have learned to trust me. I like them and they like me. They know that I am there to see them too, not just their dad. We play, we talk, they tell me about what they are thinking and it’s really fun. I ask them questions and they know I am really interested in them and their lives. I show up consistently on the weekends they are at their daddy’s house and we all really look forward to seeing each other.

I’m building a relationship with each of them. Even things that I would naturally do go a long way toward gaining their trust. I am kind to their daddy and I make sure that they have time alone with him once in a while. I encourage them to talk about their mom and am polite to her when we are all together. I respect their space, respect their feelings, am happy to be with them and am there for them when they need me.

I also do special things with them. On the day after Valentine’s Day, a major holiday for young girls,  they were at Tim’s house and I made them a special dinner of all red foods. We had spiral pasta with red sauce, a strawberry, some dried cranberries and strawberry-rhubarb pie. Tim and I gave each of them some candy and a towel with an embroidered cat hugging a heart. They loved it. When Tim’s youngest daughter turned four last May, I created a special treasure hunt for both of them with presents for both of them at the end. This past October, his oldest daughter turned seven and I did another treasure hunt for both girls and then took the birthday girl on a special shopping trip to Micheal’s for craft supplies just the two of us. I plan to do the same for the fifth birthday this coming May.

I am not saying it is perfect. My fears get in the way. I get frustrated with the way they behave. There are times when I don’t like them. I sometimes get jealous of them. It can be really hard. There was a time when I really questioned whether this was the relationship for me. I know it won’t always be easy. But I have chosen to stay in this relationship. I work hard on this stuff as it comes up. I focus on the long-term relationships that I am building with this family. I look at my own part. I face each challenge as it comes up. It is going well for the most part and I’ve chosen to focus on that. Most importantly, I am having fun with it.

Building Relationships is a post from: Dating a Dad

One of the most remarkable things has happened in the last month or so with my peace of mind regarding my relationship with Tim and his family. My attitude toward Tim’s ex has shifted. I learned that she doesn’t hate me and actually appreciates my presence in her daughters’ lives. You can read about what happened here.

A few weeks later, I attended Tim’s youngest daughter’s school play and the ex was there again. After the play, the mom was right there up on the stage hugging and congratulating her daughter. Tim and I waded through the crowd to get up on stage to see our little star. When I walked up, her mom said to her, “Look who came to see you in the play!” And she was talking about me. I gave my little friend a hug and complimented her on her performance.

On the way out, Tim asked the girls if they wanted to show me their classrooms. Their mom said, “Okay girls, give me big hugs, I am going to go and you are going to go and show Alex your classrooms.” Again I was stunned.

From all of the reading I’ve done on step families, I have learned that it can be hard to the child for have a good relationship with the step parent if biological parent is saying negative things about them. The way she is reacting to me is the best possible thing she can be doing for her daughters. The more positive loving relationships they have with adults, the better. And my relationship with them will be better too. If she was talking negatively about me or resisting me in any way, it would be a lot more difficult for them to feel good about their relationship with me. But her supporting me means they can feel good about me too.

It could be a lot different. She could be resenting my presence, she could be jealous of the love the girls have for me and acting territorial with them. But she’s not. Rather than having a competitive attitude towards me, which is what I expected, she appears to be willing to cooperate. She is supporting my relationship with them. I am surprised because it is not what I expected. I don’t know what’s going on for her but I sure am happy with it. I know that it may not stay this way forever but I am grateful for the way it is now.

I was so afraid of her until about a month ago. But as I keep learning, if I show up and face my fears, I am continually amazed and surprised at how things are never as I think they’ll be.

Cooperation is a post from: Dating a Dad

This is a true story. It was a Saturday night about two months after I had really started spending time with Tim and his girls. I was over at their house when his older daughter asked if I could sleep over and sleep in her bed and she would sleep in her sister’s room. Then the younger one got very animated and said, “I know! You can sleep in Daddy’s bed, he has two pillows!”

It was a hilarious moment but deep down I knew that I was not ready for it. I gave it a try but I didn’t really think any of us were. The youngest girl was in the bedroom trying to get in bed with us three times throughout the night. I was so anxious about her coming into the room, trying to get into bed with us, of being seen as a threat to her relationship with her daddy. I got about one hour sleep and my hunch that I was not ready was confirmed.

I didn’t spend the night again for a long time. I told Tim that I wouldn’t be spending the night when the kids were there again until I knew that no one would be getting into bed with us and that my presence there was not going to be seen as a threat. He stopped letting them sleep with him after that and they have gotten used to sleeping in their own rooms. I usually would spend the weekends with them either one or two of the days and I would go home at night. We got used to our routine and we became much more comfortable with each other. I slept in the tent with them when we all went camping and in the hotel with them when we went to the Oregon Coast. But when we were at home in Seattle, I would sleep at home.

I read somewhere that I shouldn’t spend the night at his place when the kids are there unless we’re engaged. I grabbed onto this idea and adopted it as my own. I justified it because I didn’t want to get too close to the kids in case something happened and we broke up, I didn’t want to hurt them. A good friend of mine gently reminded me that the well being of the kids, while it was great that I was concerned, was ultimately Tim’s responsibility. If he was okay with me spending the night and taking the risk that they might get hurt, then I was free to do the same. I realized that I was protecting myself from getting hurt because I couldn’t imagine getting more attached to them and then having to leave them if we broke up. I didn’t want to get hurt myself.

Last fall, it came time for things to move forward. Everyone wanted me to spend more time at the house with them. We had all grown much more comfortable around each other. We had grown closer. I was scared and resisted it. I was gently challenged by Tim to face my fear and start sleeping over. I started with one Saturday night which went really well. Then I spent another Saturday night. Then I started spending Saturday and Sunday nights. It was scary but it was one of the best decisions I’ve made. The time I spend with the girls on Sunday mornings is one of my favorite times of the weekend with them.

I’ve realized that so often in this situation, it’s not what is actually going on that is the problem. It’s what goes on in my head that creates a problem where none existed. Tim is patient with me because he understands this is not an easy road to travel. But he does not sit back and allow me to be paralyzed by my fears. He gently challenges me to move forward. With his help, I am slowly facing my fears one at a time and having experiences that I may never have had if I had let my fears overwhelm me. As the old saying goes, a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

Spending the Night is a post from: Dating a Dad

When I met Tim, life was good. I was happy. I had a fulfilling life of my own. I had friends I spent time with regularly. I had hobbies and activities that I participated in. I had a spiritual community I attended regularly. I had a pretty good balance.

A year and a half later, life is still good. But recently, I “woke up” and realized that many of these things that had enriched my life back then had gone by the wayside. They had been replaced with a relationship with the most wonderful guy I’ve ever been with and his two darling daughters. I’ve begun life coach training, I’m working on starting a coaching business, writing this blog, going to the gym on occasion, working 40 hours per week and trying to have some time to just relax. I’m busy and it’s hard to find the time to do anything more and I’m feeling out of balance.

All of the dating and relationship advice for women (0r men) dating or married to someone with children says the same thing: have a life of your own, do things with friends, spend time alone, pursue your own interests and do things outside of your relationship. I definitely do things for myself, spend time with friends, work on creative projects but not as often as I would like. I’m still figuring out how to create this balance while maintaining my relationship with all three of them. I’ve been staying at their house a lot more when the kids are there lately so it’s a whole different situation that when I could just escape to my apartment. I thought once I realized I needed to do some different things, it would be easy to fill in the blanks but it’s not as easy as I thought. I’m not single anymore and I don’t have as much free time as I used to.

I recently heard someone say that attaining balance in life is not like a scale that is achieved by measuring exactly the right amount on both sides. It is instead like surfing where you lean to one side or the other as you feel like you might tip over. Finding balance in this way is a fluid motion. There is no one perfect formula for achieving this balance. It’s a life long process not something you ever perfect. My surf board may have come close to tipping over and that is okay. Right now I’m figuring out how to lean the other way.

Get a Life is a post from: Dating a Dad

I have been experiencing a lot of fear lately. Tim and I have been talking about the future and I’ve been freaking out. We decided that I would move closer to his neighborhood so that I wouldn’t have to travel back and forth between houses so much. And so we could generally be together more. I live 12 miles away and it can take up to 40 minutes to travel one direction. I’m the one who ends up doing most of the traveling and I don’t enjoy going back and forth.

It feels like a huge step for me. I’m relocating myself, moving to a whole new neighborhood  so that I can be near them. In my mind, it’s almost as if I’m moving in with them and my fears are right in my face. I’ve been making all kinds of demands for Tim to make decisions about how he wants to organize the house when I move in, how he’s going to handle certain situations with the girls, what our timeline is, etc. I was not happy with some of the answers I had gotten from him and was letting my fear create distance between us.

Then last Monday afternoon, I got a call from a friend who told me that a mutual friend of ours had committed suicide. It was a total shock. I hadn’t seen her in a few years and had been in touch with her on Facebook last fall but hadn’t gotten around to getting back to her. Without a warning or a decision, my world has been thrown upside down and I’m grieving the loss of my sweet friend.

It sucks. I keep thinking about her kids and how could this possibly have happened. But at the same time, this tragic news has broken my heart wide open. I see very clearly that there is nothing in life that is more important than loving the ones who are still here with me. I need to tell the people I care about that I love them because you never know what will happen. I don’t want to let people slip away and wait until tomorrow to keep in touch.

That day when I got the terrible news, all of my drama with Tim melted away almost instantly. My fear and anger subsided. I’m seeing people differently, with compassion and gratitude. I want to stop and talk to people I see everyday in the halls at work and tell them they are important and that I care. I want everyone in the world to know that they must never underestimate their significance and their power to touch another person’s life. I see now that we are all so much more powerful and valuable than we realize.

I’m sure these intense emotions will fade as my grief does but I hope that I can carry some of this new found perspective with me into my life. Love is all there is. Nothing else matters.

Nothing Else Matters is a post from: Dating a Dad

I spent time with my boyfriend’s ex wife last weekend for the first time. I had met her a number of times when she was picking up the kids at Tim’s house or we were dropping off the kids at her house (or vice versa). Other than that I’ve avoided contact with her. But Tim’s four-year old daughter performed in a gymnastics show and she wanted me to be there. So I didn’t really think twice about whether or not I would go.

Even though I had no problem showing up for my little friend, it was a huge step for me to agree to go knowing that the ex would be there. I’ve always been uncomfortable around her. Tim has told me how confrontational she is and I admit I was intimidated by her. We’ve always been polite yet distant toward each other. She has an air of hostility that I cannot help but notice through her fake smile and flat tone of voice. Being the people pleaser that I am, I feel extremely uncomfortable with her disapproval. So I avoided her.

A consequence of my avoidance is that fear has taken over. Martha Beck, in her book Steering by Starlight, talks about the fearful mind as the “inner lizard,” alluding to the reptilian brain whose reaction to danger, perceived or real, is fight or flight. My inner lizard had built Tim’s ex up into a fire breathing dragon who was going to eat me alive.

We greeted each other with a polite but awkward hello in a crowded gymnasium. The girls were excited to see her (it was Tim’s weekend with the kids) which caused me to feel uncomfortable and out of place for a moment. We were quickly occupied with finding a place to sit down and we found two chairs that we shared amongst ourselves. She and the girls disappeared for a while and I was relived to be left chatting with Tim’s mom. After a while, I found myself standing alone with her and her older daughter. She turned to me and said, “I really appreciate how well you treat the girls. They love you and it’s obvious.”

I was shocked. I was amazed. That was not what I had been expecting AT ALL. I thanked her and said that it was mutual and I was crazy about them too. And that I knew they had a great mom (this is true, despite everything she’s a good mom). There was an awkward pause and I went on to tell her that I love kids and I used to be a teacher which launched us into a bit of small talk that ended quickly as the show started.

What I learned is that she is not a fire breathing dragon. She’s a woman who loves her children. She’s grateful to me for being good to them when she’s not around because she knows (I assume) it could be different. She feels uncomfortable around me (I’m guessing) just like I do around her. But she doesn’t hate me. She doesn’t want to eat me alive or bite my head off. She not a dragon at all but a lizard just like me. Some times I let my fear get the best of me, but it usually ends up turning out completely differently than I imagined. When I face my fear, more often than not, good things come of it.

Dragon Lady is a post from: Dating a Dad

We all enter relationships with expectations. Dating a single dad is no exception. What I have learned from some of the research I have done is that many of the problems that people end up having in blended families develop because the people involved have unrealistic expectations. These expectations don’t magically appear when people say “I do”. My hope is that examining these expectations will help us have a better relationship in the long run.

Recently, I came face to face with one of these expectations. I was helping Tim organize his kitchen. In the process of helping him clear out some of the old stuff and organize things, I came across a little book his ex had given him in 2001. (Why he still had a book from over 10 years ago in his kitchen is a story for another time!) It was a miniature book titled I Love You and she signed her name inside and wrote, “I love you”.

It upset me. Just a little. I handed the book to him and went upstairs and took a break.  No one wants to find that sort of thing just laying around in their significant other’s kitchen. My reactions are not out of line and it may not even be obvious to you that I had an unrealistic expectation at work. But as I began to freak out, I remembered something I read recently in a book called Stepfamilies by James Bray. It is a fabulous book about the findings of a long term study done in the eighties on stepfamilies. I learned so much from the book and I highly recommend it. One of the things that the study found was that everyone, even the most realistic and clear minded couples who had formed blended families, had unrealistic expectations.

One of the expectations that was outlined in the book is called the “Just Us” expectation. According to Dr. Bray, we women have evolved to keep our man close and to insist on his undivided love and financial support in order to ensure the survival of our children. Even though in modern times this instinct is no longer necessary, any indication that he was with another woman, even in the past, can bring up our territoriality and be really upsetting.

It’s hard to argue with nature and instinct no matter how conscious and rational I think I am. I get upset even though I know all the facts: Yes, she exists and they were married once upon a time. But he’s with me now and not her. It didn’t work out with her and that is why they got divorced. Things with he and I are going great. So as I sat upstairs in his bedroom and remembered the “Just Us” phenomenon, I ran through these facts in my head knowing that the little book no longer means anything to him. He’s happy with me. And I calmed down and let it go.

This could become a problem down the road if I were to hold on to these events and develop resentments about their communications or their financial arrangements. I’m sure that’s not the last time something like this will happen, but it helps me knowing that I am hard wired to get upset about it. These reactions are normal and natural. If I remember that she is in his life and is not going away but that their relationship is over, when these things come up, hopefully I can get upset and then let it go.

Just Us is a post from: Dating a Dad