We all enter relationships with expectations. Dating a single dad is no exception. What I have learned from some of the research I have done is that many of the problems that people end up having in blended families develop because the people involved have unrealistic expectations. These expectations don’t magically appear when people say “I do”. My hope is that examining these expectations will help us have a better relationship in the long run.
Recently, I came face to face with one of these expectations. I was helping Tim organize his kitchen. In the process of helping him clear out some of the old stuff and organize things, I came across a little book his ex had given him in 2001. (Why he still had a book from over 10 years ago in his kitchen is a story for another time!) It was a miniature book titled I Love You and she signed her name inside and wrote, “I love you”.
It upset me. Just a little. I handed the book to him and went upstairs and took a break. No one wants to find that sort of thing just laying around in their significant other’s kitchen. My reactions are not out of line and it may not even be obvious to you that I had an unrealistic expectation at work. But as I began to freak out, I remembered something I read recently in a book called Stepfamilies by James Bray. It is a fabulous book about the findings of a long term study done in the eighties on stepfamilies. I learned so much from the book and I highly recommend it. One of the things that the study found was that everyone, even the most realistic and clear minded couples who had formed blended families, had unrealistic expectations.
One of the expectations that was outlined in the book is called the “Just Us” expectation. According to Dr. Bray, we women have evolved to keep our man close and to insist on his undivided love and financial support in order to ensure the survival of our children. Even though in modern times this instinct is no longer necessary, any indication that he was with another woman, even in the past, can bring up our territoriality and be really upsetting.
It’s hard to argue with nature and instinct no matter how conscious and rational I think I am. I get upset even though I know all the facts: Yes, she exists and they were married once upon a time. But he’s with me now and not her. It didn’t work out with her and that is why they got divorced. Things with he and I are going great. So as I sat upstairs in his bedroom and remembered the “Just Us” phenomenon, I ran through these facts in my head knowing that the little book no longer means anything to him. He’s happy with me. And I calmed down and let it go.
This could become a problem down the road if I were to hold on to these events and develop resentments about their communications or their financial arrangements. I’m sure that’s not the last time something like this will happen, but it helps me knowing that I am hard wired to get upset about it. These reactions are normal and natural. If I remember that she is in his life and is not going away but that their relationship is over, when these things come up, hopefully I can get upset and then let it go.
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It is hard for all of us to think of our partners/spouse having lived previously lives. I can imagine it is that much more prevalent in your case Alex with the ex-wife and kids still in the picture.
You are facing this whole thing in such a mature, well thought out and methodical way Alex. You can definitely be proud of all your work. I didn’t have a chance to tell you but I bought the book you mentioned (in one of your earlier posts) for a girlfriend of mine who is now engaged to a divorced father of a beautiful 5 year old girl. I hope it can bring her some of the wisdom and insight it seems to have brought you.
I am so proud of the effort and thought you are putting into your relationship. And also thanks for blogging about it so we can follow like a fly on the wall.
Love you girl!
Shawna