If you are like me, you can get focused on the little things that are going “wrong” in the situation with the single father I am dating. For you, it may be that your boyfriend had to cancel plans with you at the last minute because of a sick kid, or he got a call from his ex when he was spending time with you or he left the towel on the bathroom floor when he spent the night at your house (by the way, if you haven’t experienced any of these examples, insert your own situation in place of mine).
Where ever you are, I’m right there with you. All of those things happened to me too. The specifics aren’t as important as the feelings they ignite inside of us. I can get up on my soap box about why he shouldn’t do what he’s doing if I’m not careful. But what I have learned is that it’s not what he’s doing that upsets me so much as it is the meaning I make about those things. I tell myself I’m not important when he talks to his ex or changes our plans. I tell myself he doesn’t respect me when he leaves his towel on the floor. What do you tell yourself about the things that drive you crazy?
According to Patricia Love and Steven Stosny, in their book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, I lose connection with him when he changes plans or takes the call from his ex in my presence. I tell myself that he doesn’t love me or some variation of it and it hurts. As much as I would like to, the solution is not for me to go and tell him how I feel and what he is doing wrong. In fact, talking to him about it is likely to make it worse. Instead, the solution is to reconnect.
In the book, they go into why criticism and negative complaining are really bad for relationships. This is not to say that I should ignore my feelings when I get home and find the towel on the bathroom floor. I should most definitely acknowledge them, honor them and feel them myself. But I need to consider what is more important, maintaining my connection with Tim or the towel on the bathroom floor. As counter intuitive as it may seem at times, I would rather reconnect with him.
I first stumbled upon this book when I was feeling distant and disconnected from him last spring. I tried some of the suggestions in the book and it really worked! If Tim is physically present, I can connect physically with a hug or some kind of touch. Love and Stosny recommend six hugs per day for at least six seconds. If I am not going to see him that day, I text him hearts and kisses. Several times per day when I can remember to, I think of him in my mind and feel my connection to him in my heart. I spend time just being with him on a regular basis as well. The book has lots of helpful tips on how to reconnect and those were the ones that worked out the best for me. We went from disconnected to happy with each other in a matter of days.
Try it and let me know how it goes!
Source: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love, EdD and Steven Stosny, PhD
