Jealousy (and anger, resentment and competition) often characterize the relationship between the new girlfriend and the ex. They certainly did for me in the beginning. Dating a single father is a very unique situation because I have no choice but to interact with my boyfriend’s ex-wife on a somewhat regular basis. There is nothing wrong with these feelings and they are perfectly natural, in fact women may have evolved to be jealous of the other woman to protect the children. While there is nothing wrong with these reactions, I am here to tell you, it doesn’t have to be that way forever.
When we first started dating, I was extremely threatened by the presence of my boyfriend’s ex-wife in his life. Maybe you can relate. They regular contact via email and during pickup and drop off times. He told me there was nothing between them. It was over long before they ever split up. He assured me she was still angry with him and wanted nothing to do with him. He was always telling me that he had no interest in her. “I’m here with you now,” he would say. Try as he might, nothing he could say helped me feel any better about it. I was hyper aware of any contact they had and even though I knew he communicated with her, any mention of her threw me off balance and upset me.
Now, I’m normally quite balanced and emotionally together. I’m sensitive, but I have learned how to work with my emotions. All of these jealous feelings were upsetting for me and I couldn’t shake them off. I was upset that he had this ex in his life and I was judging myself for being upset. I just wanted to be okay with everything. I knew I was “supposed to” be cool with his ex. All of the dating advice I had read about dating a single father said so. But I wasn’t.
Jealousy evolved to keep us faithful to our intimate partners, according to an article in Psychology Today. Natural or not, it hurts and it may have outlasted its purpose in modern times. Today in my situation, the article says, my jealousy is actually saying more about me and my relationship to myself than it does about him and his relationship with her. I trust him and I have set boundaries with him and with her and don’t think that he is going to get back together with her or anything like that. But when I would imagine these interactions, the general beliefs that got triggered are I am not enough, I am unlovable and I don’t measure up. My general lack of love for myself that was driving my feelings.
When I finally met her one Saturday afternoon last February when she was dropping the kids off at his house, it had two opposite effects on me. First, I was completely relieved. I been filling in the blanks with my imagination about how things were between the two of them. When I met her, I could feel the tension in the air. There was this air of hostility that she harbored toward him and I could tell that they were closed off from each other. On one level, I realized that there was nothing to be threatened by.
On the other hand, I started comparing myself ruthlessly to her and not in my favor. I spent about a day and half criticizing myself. After our brief meeting, I was telling myself that I didn’t measure up to her and that I was not good enough. I finally talked to my boyfriend about it and asked him why he would want to be with me when he married someone who was so different. He set me straight and reassured me that he wanted to be with me because I was different and that nothing I was telling myself was true.
Over time, I have been able to let go of the jealousy for the most part. I still get triggered at times and I start telling myself that I am unlovable and I don’t measure up. Sometimes I look at jealousy as a message about something that I want that the other person has. And I can take action to make changes in my life to work towards it. I also try to accept these feelings instead of resisting them. I have worked through most of my resentment toward her (read about it here) and I actually have compassion for her. We are both polite to each other when we see each other but we are still very uncomfortable. She is closed to me and tense in my presence. My work now is to be able to relax in the face of disapproval or at least learn to accept my discomfort.
If this doesn’t work for you and you are thinking that it’s all very nice for me, but your boyfriend’s ex really is crazy or she really is crossing a line, maybe you need to set a boundary. While it is true that fears and limiting beliefs will still come up and you have to be able love yourself through whatever happens, there are times when it’s not just you and your insecurities. There are times when you are not okay with things that are happening. I can completely relate to that feeling. For me, in dealing with my boyfriend’s ex, it does really come down to loving myself and taking excellent care of myself. Part of taking care of myself is continuing to set boundaries with him and with her. I don’t have to sit back and just accept whatever they want to do. Yes, jealousy and competition may come up again and again throughout the course of this relationship, and depending on what stage of the relationship I have been in, different boundaries have needed to be set. But that is a story for another time.
Stay tuned for my upcoming post on boundaries next month…
Source: Hara Estroff Marano.”Jealousy: Love’s Destroyer”. Psychology Today. July 1, 2009.
