I watched Dr. Phil the other day and it disturbed me. It was the first time I had ever watched the show.
There was a 23-year old daughter who was addicted to heroin and the parents, the dad, the mom and step-mom, were doing everything wrong in enabling her addiction. The dad supported her financially by paying her bills and buying her a new car when she totaled her old one. The mom was a doormat and would do whatever he daughter wanted or needed. The step mom was angry and closed off to her step daughter.
The daughter was extremely angry at her father and step mother for things that had happened when they had first gotten together when she was twelve. Her dad just told her one day, this is your new step mother, without really even introducing them first and she was really hurt by that. The step mom and step daughter never had a good relationship. The step mother was jealous of the relationship between the dad and the daughter. The dad had to lie to his wife when he saw his daughter because of the conflict it caused. The family was a mess.
The fact that the daughter ended up a heroin addict is an issue all it’s own and I’m not going to go there. The thing that really disturbed me is these people did not take the daughter into consideration when they got married. Creating a blended family is no small thing and some thought should be put into it. This family on Dr. Phil was just one example of this. Over the past year, I’ve been researching step families. I’ve been reading books and I’ve talked to lots of people about their experiences. I’m not an expert by any means, but one thing I have noticed is that many people get together and the kids are an after thought. And it disturbs me every time.
The lesson I learn is this: If I am going to be in a relationship with a single father, I know that I am dating the entire family. I am dating my boyfriend first and foremost of course, but he comes as a package and I must take them all into consideration. Step family creation begins as soon as I consider a future with this single father. I must take the time to develop a relationship with his kids. I have to be patient. I can’t move as quickly into the relationship like I can with other men who have no kids. And as I get to know the kids, I know it may not always be easy. I may be jealous and feel like an outsider. But I must support the kids and their relationship with their father and their mother. My jealousy would only make it worse.
I am changing the focus of this blog. It’s still all about dating a single daddy but up until now I was afraid to approach the topic from the viewpoint of step family creation. I realize now that my purpose all along has been to be proactive and to take everything I’ve learned from the books and the interviews and create a resource that will help us get the most out of the possible future with a dad and his kids.
You can watch the episode of Dr. Phil here: http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/1720
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Hey Alex! Great blog, my love! I wanted to give you my 2 cents on the above topic regarding my experience being in a blended family and to brag about how my dad handled his new relationship when I was 10 (and my sister was 13). To the point: my dad always put us first. No question. I know this because my step mom (for over 20 years now) and I have talked about it since. She was young at the time and like you, never dated a dad before. At first she was put off by the fact that my dad would bring us along on their dates (as anyone would be, I imagine.) He did this when it was his weekend with us; he told her he would never leave us when it was his time with us. It was this and in the other ways he treated us, that made her ultimately fall in love with him even more. She admits she was a bit annoyed at times that she had to do “kid” things during their time together, but looking back, she wouldn’t change a thing. We were able to fall in love with her and likewise; which was the only way a blended family can work (in my opinion). Love and miss you, Alex. (Autumn blows kisses) xoxoxo